Insights from a Recovering People Pleaser

Light Codes

Yesterday I found myself back with an aversion to a person I share space with in one aspect of my life and I have come face to face with this mirror. A beautiful, wise, lesson-holder.

I saw my inner critical parent wanting to come in and punish this person with the intention to 'make' them change. To change them into something more desirable because the inner critical parent found this behavior unacceptable. Upon deeper inspection, this really isn't about the person at all. It isn't about the trigger, but where it came from in the first place-- where it came from within me.

This person mirrors a past version of myself that I have a hard time embodying, leaving space for my inner critical parent to jump out and project this discomfort within, on this external person and situation. And therefore punish this past version of myself vicariously through punishing this person in front of me in real life. The thoughts of 'how dare you…' or "why don't you just…", and feelings to follow of betrayal, abandonment, and anger began bubbling to the surface.

This plotline completely prohibited me from being in the present moment. From actually seeing this person and engaging with who they actually are. For example, if I saw them clearly, I would know their capacity to hold space for big emotions in others is small by the way they struggle to hold their own. I can be in acceptance with who they are--be with reality and know that they don't have the capacity to show up for me in that way. That's fine.

I don't need to punish them or myself for it. What question I should ask instead is how do I want/need to express myself regardless of their capacity to receive me? Expression for the sake of expression not for an outcome. Because attachment to outcome is the root of all suffering. It is not the expression that causes suffering, no that is where you find your liberation.

However then, I've also realized how much energy I give people, how much I pour into them, is based on their capacity to pour into me. Energy, time, & attention. This is when I'm not acting as a practitioner of course. This is the way I cultivate self-trust. I choose myself first and trust myself to ensure that all of my needs are met before meeting the needs of others.

This is a gift to myself and to others.

It's not punishment because there is no malice or poison in my words, my actions, in my disposition. It's with all of the love and compassion in the world that I look honestly and engage with who people actually are presently, what they have the capacity & space for and adjusting myself accordingly.

To see others honestly for who they are really and not what they could be if I did this, or if they just understood that, because what they will or will not learn in this life is not my business. That’s between them and spirit. My job is not to teach people through punishment, only through being the embodiment of love. My business is me and my energy. In making sure that I'm taken care of and not depleted, so I can illustrate to others how to be full in a world of empty cups.