Who am I?

Being Held by My Mother Earth

What an ever-evolving question. Before I dive into all of the old versions of me, my trauma, and life experiences, I want to first provide a love note to my dearest mother earth who is the common thread within this story; the fertile ground of which I was able to cocoon within, undergoing various processes of death and rebirth, again and again, throughout my life.

She has always been there to hold my hand even when I dropped hers so forcefully, determined I could do it on my own and didn’t need anyone’s help. She remained there patiently, lovingly, for my return, and I did, as we all will when we’re ready. To remember that asking for help is a sign of strength and not weakness, that vulnerability is a superpower, and that love is the path to liberation.

My Inner Child

I was a highly sensitive child and thoroughly in tune with the quieter parts of life: the way the leaves rustle in the wind, dragonflies dropping their eggs into the water, how to get a dog to feel safe and calm, the words people don’t say, the feelings they shove down, what they need but are afraid to ask for, how to lead with a quiet curiosity and love.

Some of these traits forgotten for a while, and some heightened as survival tactics. I lived in an emotionally turbulent home. One where my parents were never taught the skills of emotional regulation and healthy expression, so neither did I.

The air was often filled with tension and stress. My empathetic and observant nature quickly became useful as I learned ways to survive, remaining under the radar and as helpful as possible. I was among the youngest of my siblings, but was parentified by the time I was around 8 years old.

I received the most love when I acted as the family therapist, a confidant to my parents and siblings, and when I excelled in school. I learned how to please so that I would never be the target of conflict – so that I could remain safe by never upsetting anyone. 

The Great Forgetting: Depression & Anxiety

The life lessons I took with me from childhood were as follows: other people’s feelings are more important than yours, it is dangerous if someone is upset with you/confronts you, you need to make others feel safe so that you can feel safe, and achieving is the only way to gain approval and acceptance.

I read this beautiful book Grounded by Erin Yu-Juin McMorrow and there is one section in there that hit me like ton of bricks. Deep on a soul level this was my heart’s cry:

“Like so many of us, I found myself on a trajectory of achievement and productivity that seemed to be a train with no brakes… it wanted me to be well-liked (but not intimidating), to look good (within certain parameters), to be sought after sexually (but not overtly so), to marry well and bear children, to make as much money as humanly possible with a good and respectable job title, and no matter what to have a solid 401K and an excellent image.

Essentially, my entire task in life was to avoid rejection by anybody or anything, and thus to keep my egoic sense of safety intact by maintaining an unassailable image and never take any risks.”

I lived this, this was so enmeshed with my identity that I thought it was who I was and who I’d always be. Given my individual programming, and that of our western culture, I was seeking happiness outside myself— I was seeking happiness from within a system that wasn’t developed to benefit me. But I have such compassion for that version of myself because I didn’t know anything else, so stopping the train of achievement felt unsafe and needed to be avoided at all costs. I searched for ‘the perfect job’ where I would finally feel fulfilled, accepted, and like I ‘fit’— which I had never felt in my life.

As a highly sensitive person, the bypassing of my own emotional needs resulted in severe depression and anxiety. Anxiety to keep achieving and never stop moving, and depression when all of that led to burnout and I could no longer ‘produce’. It was a continuous cycle. I was lost heavy in the ego, in my brain, because I thought that would keep me safe.

I spent my late teens and early twenties fully believing that I was just a sad person with fleeting moments of happiness. That’s how entangled I was in this cycle—I didn’t know where it ended, and I began.

The Great Remembering: Spiritual Awakening

This is the point in the story where I return to my mother earth with tears in my eyes, hugging her tightly, and telling her I’ll never let go again. I hit a moment where I decided I did not want to live like this anymore. It’s hard to say what exactly spurred it— a colleague sharing a deeply personal story that resulted in me crying for weeks on end, an incredibly emotionally abusive boss, or sheer universal timing.

All I know is that I felt an immense pull to return inward and remember who I was. It was as if I could see my life and the overarching culture from a distance, for what it was really, and living within the confines of the system no longer interested me. The small talk, the alcohol, the quiet suffering.

As soon as I said to the universe, “I am open for more” she began to unfurl her beautiful petals for me. My intuition grew louder, my path became clearer, and I moved in new ways. Toward internal happiness and the feminine, rebelling against the dominance of my ego and logical brain. Living with deeper reliance on and regular consult with mother nature and the tree spirits, my guides, and ancestors.

I was called to do the work to deprogram myself of internalized capitalism and patriarchy, to dedicate myself seriously to my mediation practice and sacred rituals, and to remember the magic and sacredness of existence. It was as if I had been asleep, cocooning in my sacred resting place, and was now ready to emerge and bring this energy out into the world.

Living in My Purpose

I am but a child filled with curiosity of the world and in deep remembrance that I can indeed live freely, vulnerably, and with radical self-love. That the more I lean in to surrender and trust of all my sources of wisdom, the more abundance and love flows my way. As I allow myself to be but a channel for the highest good and the wisdom of the plant spirits, the happier and more fulfilled I become, and the more they hold, protect, and lift me up.

All of the knowledge I have attained through my experiences, allow me to deeply understand the perspectives of others so that I can offer healing and guidance. I am a seer, which has always helped me to excel in my career and in relationships. I quickly learn the complexities of issues within the bigger picture and hear what people don’t say; I can see the threads of connection where others might not.

My path is that of the High Priestess and Medicine Woman, I understand now that I have been called in by my ancestors to heal myself and my lineage so that I can help others remember how to heal themselves and theirs. To remind them that mother earth is always there, patiently waiting for us to return to her so she can hold us. As a kind but stern mother, she demands respect and deep heartfelt gratitude in return.

I am still on this journey. I am, and will always be, learning and changing and growing, so in this question of ‘who am I?’, I end with this: I am an ever-expanding vessel of divine energy– of death and rebirth. Rooted in the fertile soil of creation, beating with the same heart of all of life, singing my unique tune in the orchestra of the universe, and you are too.